Through My Eyes
by a-lady-to-me
Summary: A/U set after S3 - Anna and John have been blessed with a baby boy, but things are not nearly as happy as they should be. Anna falls into a deep depression. Feelings of inadequacy, failure, and insecurity cast a shadow over their lives and threaten her marriage to the love of her life. Can John pull her from the depths of darkness? Is love enough to save them?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N****:** If anybody was wondering why I've been neglecting my other fics, here's the reason. The idea for this story came to me one night, and it was originally intended to be a one-shot. One thing led to another, and 5 chapters later here we are. This is completely finished, and I will be posting a chapter a day. :)

This takes place post S3, kind of a replacement for a S4 or a "what could have happened instead" situation.

In this we explore Anna dealing with postpartum depression. Now I want to let you guys know that I did not take on this topic lightly. I have several members of my family who have experienced this, and I also heavily researched how they dealt with depression in the 1920's. What I found out is that, sadly, they didn't deal with it. Infant mortality rates were high as was suicide of the mothers. Women who lived through this were put in asylums or forced to deal with it on their own.

Now Anna does not have that severe of a case here, and of course she has the undying support of her husband. But I wanted to explore Anna's feelings of inadequacy as a mother, and wife as she deals with her raging emotions, as well as her insecurities.

This A/N is getting long so i'll wrap this up by saying that I hope you enjoy reading this. I put a lot into making this right, and handling this situation the right way. I only hope I succeeded. Thank you so so much to Alexis and Jo for encouraging me, and helping me get this story onto 'paper' so to speak ;) You two are amazing! Thank you all for your support, you know I love you guys. Enjoy xo

**Disclaimer****:** I do not own Downton Abbey, or Bates and Anna.

_This story is dedicated to my best friend who, in spite of all she's been through, carries herself with grace, dignity, love, and forgiveness. She is the strongest person that I know, and she reminds me every single day what it means to love and persevere. I am so blessed to have the privilege to know her and call her my best friend. I love you Sissy. This is for you. xoxo_

* * *

It had been six months since Anna and John Bates had been blessed with the birth of their son; on their fourth wedding anniversary no less. William John Bates was a very sweet and happy baby; he had his moments where he fussed and cried, but for the most part he was very well behaved. He reminded Anna so much of John, her two brooders she would jokingly call them.

John had proved to be the wonderful father she'd always known he would be. He was always willing to get up with William in the night, or take him downstairs in the morning to let her get some extra sleep. John bathed him when he was home, and even changed his nappies. The bond they had formed warmed Anna's heart, and made her love her husband even more.

Yes, it felt as if their life was complete now. They were free to be with each other, and now they had sweet William to round out their little family.

Their life may be complete, but unfortunately in Anna's eyes it was far from perfect.

After William was born she'd felt an immediate connection with him. Such pure love rose inside of her in that moment as she held their son for the first time. The perfect symbol of their love, and all they shared.

All seemed perfectly well and normal until Anna had tried to feed him. Little William just wouldn't latch on, and Dr. Clarkson had finally recommended that they feed him from a bottle. He'd assured her that this wasn't uncommon, and that she had nothing to worry about. He even tried to ease the blow by reminding her that now her husband could help her with the late and early feedings, but Anna had immediately felt a piece of the connection she shared with her son break away. Of course she loved him...but every time she fed him from a bottle, or worse woke up to find that John had heard his hungry cries before her...it made her feel like less of a mother.

This began a downward spiral of inner turmoil for Anna over the next several months. She found herself feeling very tired all the time, but brushed it aside as part of adjusting to her new life as wife, mother, and caretaker of their house. Her tiredness did not let up over several weeks, and began to fuel her frustration. She would catch herself snapping at John when he was home over silly things, something she had very rarely ever done before. He would try to tell her to rest, but that would just annoy her more.

On the days when she wasn't feeling unnecessarily angry; she would drift off into a lull of melancholy and despair. She would let herself dwell on everything she'd done wrong that day, that week, that month….letting it pile, and add up until she felt the overwhelming desire to bolt out the door and leave it all behind. Then she would stop that train of thought. _Anna Bates, what are you going on about? This isn't like you?_ She would tell herself, before pushing her feelings aside and continuing on with her day. But they would linger...like little leeches waiting to suck the happiness out of her soul.

On one particularly terrible day when he was about 3 months old William had started crying immediately after John left to go to work. Anna tried everything to get him to settle down throughout the day; she fed him, changed him, read to him, sang to him, even tried giving him a soothing bath….nothing worked.

"Please darling," she begged, "please just be quiet for mummy for a little while. I know you would rather have your daddy, but he's not here." She rocked him gently as she pleaded, but to no avail. Finally she just couldn't take it anymore, and broke down crying along with him. She couldn't even soothe her own son.

She gently laid him down in his crib, and let him cry as she sobbed in the chair beside him. Once she'd cried every tear she could she just rocked and listened to the constant reminder of her failure as he whimpered from his bed.

This was how John found them several hours later when he got home. William had worked up a new round of wailing as he walked in the door, but Anna could hardly hear it anymore. She just rocked, and stared blankly at the wall. John made his way quickly to the room, and she barely registered the shock on his face at the sight before him. He immediately moved to the crib to pick up William, and noticed that his face was red, and swollen. He must have been crying for hours.

"Anna, what's going on?" She knew he could see the vacant look in her eyes, and tried to reign in some kind of emotion, but she had nothing. She finally managed to whisper a response.

"He just wouldn't stop crying. I did everything I could think of...he just wouldn't stop, and I didn't know what to do." Her words sounded just as hollow as she looked.

"Don't worry love, it happens sometimes. He was just having a rough day it's nothing you did or didn't do." She knew he was trying to reassure her.

She watched as John rocked William gently, and had him quieted down and settled within five minutes. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to lash out at him and scream...why could he do what she couldn't? What made him so special? But all she felt in that moment was shame. What a poor excuse for a mother she'd turned out to be….she was sure Vera was laughing from her personal pit in hell.

She realized John was speaking, and focused her attention back on him.

"Why don't you get some sleep love. I'm sure you're exhausted. I can take care of Will tonight." She could see the intense worry and concern in his eyes. Was he horrified at her for letting their son cry? Did he think she was a bad mother too? She wouldn't blame him… She silently nodded, and made her way to the bed to lay down. His worried eyes followed her, and he walked over to her before leaving the room.

"Are you alright, Anna? Is it more than just being tired?" His words were full of so much love; a love she cherished so much even in the midst of the darkness...especially then. She placed her hand gently on his cheek. She didn't deserve this man.

"I'm fine John." She whispered. "I just need some sleep."

He smiled gently, and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her forehead. "I love you." He whispered as he made his way to the door.

"I love you too." She whispered back as he left her to rest….but rest was a luxury she'd long since forgotten.

After that incident things got a little better for a while. William didn't have anymore meltdowns like he'd had that day, and Anna was able to keep the darkness at bay while she cared for her family. Now at six months old William was growing like a weed, and Anna and John relished in the growth he showed not just physically, but mentally. He'd been getting closer to forming his first words, although it still all sounded like well intentioned babbles. He'd also begun to crawl, and she had a time trying to keep up with him. His little personality brought so much light into her life that for a short time she thought the darkness was gone for good. But it seemed like just when she'd make progress in one area, another ugly demon would rear it's head. This time it was her insecurity.

She and John had not made love since before William was born...a few months before in fact.

In wasn't from lack of interest. John had tried to initiate intimacy a few times, but Anna just couldn't do it and John always backed off. Reassuring her that he would wait until she was ready.

Anna missed being with her husband. The passion, the intensity, the pleasure...she loved feeling close to him. As close as two people could possibly be. However, since having William she'd felt so insecure about her body. Pregnancy had changed her in ways she didn't much like. Her breasts were larger, and weren't nearly as pert as they used to be. Her stomach had not returned to its previous tightness; instead her skin sagged slightly. Her hips had expanded...all normal changes when you have a baby, but Anna felt such despair when she looked in the mirror. She wasn't the same person her husband had married. He still called her beautiful on a daily basis, but he had yet to see what was hidden beneath her clothes.

She had no idea how she had managed to evade him. She always bathed before he got home from the Abbey therefore she was usually in bed asleep when he came in. On his half days when he was with her at bedtime he would sometimes try to deepen their good night kisses, but she would pull away and claim tiredness. He never pushed, never mentioned it; he was always her loving sweet John.

Her mother's words rang loudly in her head every time she turned him away.

_"You will have wifely duties Anna. Your job is to allow your husband his pleasure. If you deny him he will only seek it elsewhere."_

Anna knew that wasn't true. John would never step out on her. Never. But she did feel that by denying him, she wasn't fulfilling her role as his wife.

Deep down she knew he didn't feel that way, but the thought still nagged at her viciously.

She could tell however that all of it; her attitude, her despondency, her rejection, was starting to take a toll on him. He was worried about her. He hadn't voiced it, but the way he had been looking at her across the table at breakfast said more than his words ever could.

The tension between them grew and grew until one night they finally broke.

Anna had been laying in bed reading when she heard him enter and move around downstairs. William was sound asleep in his crib in the corner of their room.

Suddenly feeling very nervous she put her book away, and laid down. Her back to John's side of the bed. She heard him enter their room as quietly as he could, and change quickly into his pajamas. She tried not to move as he laid down beside her. She knew she wasn't fooling him, and her thoughts were confirmed when she felt his fingers graze down her arm. Her insides tightened; his touch lighting a fire deep inside of her. She wanted to be with him so badly, but she just couldn't. He would be disgusted if he saw her. She wouldn't survive watching that heated look dissipate at the sight of her body.

"Anna? Love, I know you're awake. Are you alright?" He whispered gently, continuing to rub her arm.

She took a deep breath, and turned to face him. His eyes were worried, and dark.

"I'm fine John." She whispered back, reaching up to play with the hair peeking out of the top of his shirt. He always left it slightly unbuttoned for her; which normally made her smile.

"You haven't been acting fine. Something is wrong. Please tell me." His voice was pleading, and Anna felt tears burn her eyes. She shook her head gently refusing to make eye contact with him. "Anna, please love. Is it something I've done? Do you..."

She looked at him then, and saw the hurt in his eyes. "Do I what John?"

He gathered himself before he responded; his hold on her tightening slightly. "Do you...feel differently about...about us?"

"What?" She couldn't contain the shock in her voice, but then it hit her. She hadn't been fooling him at all these past months, and he thought she didn't want him anymore. Oh John...her darling, loving, self deprecating husband. She could see how her actions could have led to this line of thought. She had to tell him. He deserved to know. Before she could respond he dropped his hand from her arm, and sat up in the bed. She followed his actions, waiting for him to speak.

"You haven't been yourself lately. I know it's hard to be home with William all day, and you must be so tired. Even as good as he is, he is still a baby. I just...I haven't been able to shake the feeling that it's more than that, Anna." He looked over at her then. "I would never pressure you, I hope you know that."

She nodded. "I do."

"Good." He took her hand into his lap and caressed it gently. "Good, because I have been thinking about it, and if you no longer...well if you no longer want to be intimate with me, I understand. I would be perfectly content to just hold you for the rest..." Anna silenced him by pressing her finger to his lips. She noticed tears in his eyes, and felt as if her heart would shatter. He really believed she didn't want him anymore.

"John, I believe I owe you an apology..."

"Why would you ever need to apologize? You've done nothing..." He was adamant, but again Anna silenced him; this time with a look.

"Just let me finish." He nodded so she went on. "I am sorry that I made you believe I didn't want you anymore. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I know I have used being tired as an excuse, and that was true at first, but..." She lowered her head, but felt John's fingers beneath her chin lifting her gaze. His thumb caressed her bottom lip gently.

"Darling, you can tell me anything. I see this is hurting you. Please Anna, I just want to help."

Anna felt the fear clench her throat closed. She opened her mouth, but no words would come out. The tears finally broke through, and a sob escaped her. She couldn't do this. He was just going to tell her she was being ridiculous about it all;that she was a wonderful mother, and that she was beautiful, but it would all be a lie.

Even if he did find her body repulsive she knew he would never tell her. He would still make love to her, but it would never be the same. She felt like she couldn't get enough air in her lungs, and she could barely make out the sound of John's voice trying to comfort her.

"I can't." She gasped. "I can't do it." With that she leaped from the bed, and ran across the hall; locking herself in the guest bedroom. She slid down the wall; her arms wrapped tightly around her body as the sobs had their way with her. She could hear her husband's panicked voice on the other side of the door begging her to let him in. She wanted to. She so badly wanted him to hold her in the safety of his arms. To hear his reassuring words of love. More than anything she wanted to just conquer her fear, and tell him everything that was happening...but fear was a powerful demon, and it had slowly seeped into her soul. Blacking out the love she so badly needed right now.

* * *

After what felt like hours Anna felt her breathing return to normal, and the pressure ease from her body. For a moment there was silence, but then John's voice came from the other side of the door.

"Anna? Anna, are you alright? Please let me in." He sounded anguished, and defeated. How long had he been out there begging for her to come out?

She placed her hand on the door.

"I'm alright John." She spoke only loud enough for him to hear. "I just need some time."

"I'm here darling." He whispered back.

After a little more time had passed she finally managed to gather her strength. She stood, and walked to the small mirror. She looked a fright with her puffy eyes, and red blotches covering her face and neck. She must have pulled on her hair during her episode. She straightened it the best she could. Placing her hand on the door knob she took a steadying breath, and opened it. She gasped at the sight before her. John was sitting on the floor, his bad leg stretched out beside him, and his hand fell as if he had been resting it on the door. He looked up at her, and stood as quickly as he could. She put her hand under his arm to help him. When he finally stood before her he moved to place his hands on her cheeks, but stopped himself. Instead he stood staring at her, his eyes were red and swollen as well telling her he had been crying. Her heart ached.

"You didn't have to stay out here. That couldn't have been comfortable for you."

"Anna..." He shook his head, and turned it to the side. Returning his gaze to her he slowly took her hands in his. "I couldn't leave you. I had to know...if anything had happened..." His voice caught.

She placed her hand gently on his cheek. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." It was a lie, but she just didn't have the strength to deal with this tonight. He met her eyes, and she somehow knew what he was going to say.

"Anna Bates, I don't believe that for a second." She flinched, but then relaxed when he squeezed her hands. "But darling, I will never pressure you. You will tell me in your own time, when you're ready. God, I love you so much Anna. I just want you to be alright." He cradled her cheek in his hand, wiping the tears away. She placed her hand over his, and turned her head to kiss his palm.

"I love you too." She whispered back.

"Come on darling. Let's go to bed." She let him guide her back to their room. When they laid down she could tell he was shocked when she cradled herself beside him, and rested her head on his chest. As his arms wrapped around her tightly she drifted into an exhausted, restless sleep.

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**_Please review! :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N****: **Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, followed, and/or favorited this! I was so nervous, but your encouragement has meant the world to me. Thank you.

Things are going to get worse before they get better, but the point is they do get better. Thank you for reading, and please continue to review. Your reviews are like fuel to me! :) xo

**Disclaimer****: **Same as Ch. 1

* * *

Anna awoke the next morning with a dull ache behind her eyes. Probably a result of her tirade last night. _How embarrassing_, she thought to herself. What on earth had caused her to react in such a way? Why couldn't she just be honest with him? Honesty had never been an issue for her in the past, but this...this was different somehow.

It hit Anna then that John was not beside her. She noticed that there was no noise coming from the crib across the room, and when she rose to check she found it empty. Peeking out of the window it struck her how high the sun was in the sky. What time was it? Why had no one woken her up? Hearing noises coming from downstairs she quickly wrapped her robe around her and followed the sounds down the stairs, and into the kitchen.

She was greeted with quite the sight; one which made her smile from ear to ear. William was settled in his seat smearing remnants of what looked like eggs around his tray. Meanwhile John was busy putting together a plate she assumed was for her.

"Good morning." She said from the doorway, and watched as John turned; shocked but smiling.

"Good morning darling. I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, but that son of yours was not quite satisfied with just one egg." He laughed, and Anna couldn't help but join him. She made her way to the table; kissing William's soft blonde curls before taking her seat beside him.

John sat a plate full of food down in front of her, and smiled. Anna could still see that his eyes were laced with concern. As he turned back towards the counter she stopped him by taking hold of his wrist. He turned back to her.

"Aren't you going to let me thank you for this wonderful breakfast?" She smiled, trying to tease. Inclining her chin towards him told him how she wanted to thank him, and he leaned down to meet her lips softly with his. The kiss was chaste, but intoxicating...they all were. She blushed as she pulled away, and tucked into the delicious looking food.

"Not that i'm not thrilled, but what are you doing home?" She asked curiously.

He hesitated slightly before answering. "I took the day off. Actually I have the next few days off."

Anna didn't know why, but his hesitation made her weary. She tried to keep her tone steady.

"Has His Lordship gone to London?" Lord Grantham had been taking Thomas on trips with him so that John wouldn't have to leave Anna and the baby. Another sign of how generous their employers were.

"No." He replied simply. "I just...thought you could use me here for a few days."

She knew then that this was because of her meltdown last night, and possibly because of how she'd been acting over the past months as well. She felt a touch of annoyance that he felt the need to babysit her, but reminded herself that he was just concerned for her, and it touched her. She wanted so badly in that moment to tell him why she was acting this way, but again the words just wouldn't come to her.

He joined her at the table then with a pot of tea which he poured for her, and for himself. They sat quietly while she ate. The silence only broken by Williams little babbles as he played with his food. Anna finished her meal, and pushed the plate away slightly. She turned to smile at her husband.

"That was delicious, Mr. Bates. Thank you."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, Mrs. Bates." He crooned, before opening his hand in silent plea for her to take it. She did, and he squeezed it gently.

"I want you to go out today." He smiled at her. "Go to the village, or Ripon. Just have a peaceful day to yourself. William and I will be just fine here so don't even try to protest on this. You have been cooped up in this house for far too long, and i'm sorry I am just now able to give you the break you need." He gently rubbed his thumb along the palm of her hand. Anna felt as if she could cry. A day just to herself? Whatever would she do with all that time? Unsure of how to respond she simply squeezed his hand, and whispered, "Thank you."

He smiled, and brought their joined hands up so he could kiss hers gently.

"Anything for you, my love."

* * *

Anna spent a very peaceful day in Ripon. She missed William and John terribly, but couldn't deny how nice it was to just enjoy a quiet day on her own. Part of her felt guilty for her thoughts, but she knew this was a rare thing and tried to let herself enjoy it. She roamed the shops leisurely, and picked up a few things they needed for the cottage. She also found a book that John had mentioned he was interested in, and a new little rattle for William. After taking tea and luncheon she caught the bus back to the village, where she picked up a few groceries they needed.

It was just shy of dusk when the cottage appeared on the path ahead. Anna stopped, and took in the sight of it before her. The thought crossed her mind again briefly of how easy it would be to turn around, and leave it all behind. All the stress, all the fear….

_What is wrong with you Anna? You have to stop thinking this way. This is your family._

She shook away those disturbing thoughts, and pushed them as far back in her mind as she could. She just needed to hold her sweet baby boy, and spend time with her husband, that's all. Once she got some rest she would be fine. She put on her best smile, and continued on towards the cottage.

The moment she entered she was struck by the smells of delicious food. John must have cooked dinner? She smiled at the thought; how did she get so lucky? Setting her packages down in the sitting room, she noticed that it had been cleaned. Not just picked up, but actually deep cleaned. Her interest peaked, what was he up to? As she made her way to the kitchen her suspicions increased; she took notice that all the floors were spotless, toys were picked up, tables had been dusted. Not that Anna normally kept a messy house, but William prevented her from being as thorough as she would normally like to be. Had John done all of this on his own, and on his day off? And if so, why had he done it? Not many men just cleaned the house like this for no reason…_Anna stop, _her conscious chided her, _he just wanted to do something nice for you. _She stopped herself from thinking these dark thoughts, of course John didn't have ulterior motives. He wasn't like that.

When she finally made it to the kitchen she gasped. John was standing beside the table in their spotless kitchen, dressed in his best suit. The table was carefully decorated with a few of her favorite candles, and an assortment of flowers, along with two settings of his mother's finest china, and what looked to be a carefully prepared meal. Anna felt her eyes prick with unshed tears. Gathering herself she asked a rather obvious question.

"What is all this?"

He smiled as he approached her. He kissed her forehead before pulling out the chair for her to sit. She did, and caught herself giggling as he placed the napkin over her lap like they were in a fine London restaurant.

"You deserve to be pampered. I don't get as many opportunities as I would like to treat you, so I thought I would take advantage of the time off."

"Charmer." She whispered, giving him a sly smile. "This looks magnificent. Did you cook all of this yourself?"

"I did." He said proudly, beaming as he made a plate for her.

"Did you clean the house all on your own while I was gone? You didn't have to do that…" He stopped her with a look.

"You work so hard; keeping the house, and taking care of Will...it was the very least I could do."

She felt as if she could cry. "Thank you John." She whispered, as he nodded at her and gave her his best smile.

"I feel terribly under dressed for the occasion." She laughed, gathering herself.

"You're perfect, as always." The tone of his voice made her insides curl up.

She hummed appreciatively as she took the first bites of food. It truly was delicious. She hadn't realized how hungry she'd been from her day around the village. The thought struck her then that William must be hungry as well. After cleaning her plate she looked over at John who had been watching her as she ate, his own plate long since empty.

"That was wonderful." She smiled. "Thank you, love."

He took her hand from across the table. "It was my pleasure. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I have something else for you as well." He smiled, reaching under the table and pulling out a small box. "Will and I made our own little trip today." She could see the excitement on his face as he handed her the box.

"John, you really shouldn't have." She chastised him, even though she was quite excited herself. She opened the gift carefully, and gasped as she uncovered the delicate gold necklace. It was a simple chain with a pendant of three hearts intertwined together. "Oh John…" Her voice was barely above a whisper. She watched him as he stood, and moved to stand behind her. He took the necklace from the box, and latched it around her neck before leaning down, and placing a gentle kiss on her neck. Her hand went to the pendant, and she stood from her chair turning around to face him.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing their foreheads together, and whispered softly. "Thank you doesn't seem like a strong enough sentiment for how I feel right now. But thank you all the same." He smiled as his hands rubbed gentle circles into her hips. "I love you, John."

"I love you more." He whispered, before capturing her lips in a heated kiss. Normally there would have been no question as to where the kiss was leading them, but in the midst of her utter happiness...the darkness crept it's way back in. She pulled away from him, trying to ease the blow with a loving smile, but she saw the concern and disappointment in his eyes. She reverted to her usual excuse...their son.

"Is William upstairs? Did you already feed him? He is probably getting hungry himself." She moved towards the stairs, but stopped when John grabbed her hand.

"Will isn't here, darling." His words were quiet, and when she turned he was smiling warmly.

"What do you mean? Where is he?" She felt an unnecessary panic rise in her.

John seemed to sense her unease, and made an attempt to pull her closer to him. He frowned when she kept her distance.

"He is spending the night with Mrs. Hughes. I thought we could use some time to ourselves." His smile was forced now, shadowed by confusion.

"You asked Mrs. Hughes to care for our son overnight? When she has a house to run?" Anna was trying to keep her anger at bay as she tried to work out what was going on.

John shrunk back slightly. He looked down, and fiddled with his hands nervously. "Well...actually, she offered."

"She _offered_?"

"Yes."

Anna sensed there was more to it. "Why would she have done that?"

"She offered after I told her what happened last night." His words were soft, and hesitant.

Anna felt her confusion break, and the anger build rapidly. It all made sense now. He'd taken the day off, cleaned the house, fixed dinner, _and_ bought her a gift...all because of her meltdown last night. Then Mrs. Hughes had "offered" to care for William overnight...something she had never done. Anna felt a new emotion gathering inside her, fueling the angry volcano she was becoming..._betrayal_.

He'd told her. He'd told Mrs. Hughes what had happened...something she was absolutely mortified about. Something that had happened in the privacy of their home. He'd probably been telling Mrs. Hughes everything that had been happening with her; sharing his concerns, or just gossiping about what a terrible mother and wife she was behind her back. He'd probably only done all of this; the cleaning, the dinner, the gift...all of it just to get her into bed. Trying to buy her with good deeds, only to expect payment later. She strained herself, trying desperately to keep the eruption at bay; trying to convince herself that this was insane. This was John, her husband...he would never…..but he had. He'd betrayed her. The anger only fed the hungry demons inside of her, and she felt a haze settle over her good judgement.

John had taken a few steps back, but was standing firm now. He at least had the tact to look embarrassed. There was a heartbeat of silence before the lava finally gave way.

"You _told_ Mrs. Hughes what happened to me?" Her voice was cold, and eerily quiet.

"Yes. I thought she could help. I told her that I wanted to do something special for you, and she offered to keep him so we could spend some time together." He was acting like he was speaking to an irrational child, which only incensed her further.

"I don't think that's why you did it." She spit the words like venom, and watched John's eyes widen with shock. She'd never spoken to him this way...she'd never spoken to _anyone_ this way. But all rational thought was out the window right now. She couldn't even see him clearly she was so blinded by rage.

"What do you mean?"

"I see how you have been looking at me lately. I'm not blind! Did you do all this out of pity, John?!" She was yelling now, and John stepped back in shock. "Or did you think that not having William here would rid me of any excuse not to go to bed with you? Well I have news for you John Bates, I can't be bought like some common whore!"

"Anna! My God! How could you possibly think that?!"

"Just because you pawn our son off, and buy me a pretty necklace doesn't mean I am going to sleep with you!" Somewhere in the dark recesses of her mind she knew she was acting hysterically, but she couldn't stop the flow of accusations. She was aware enough to register the hurt and anger on his face, and in his voice.

"I cannot believe you would accuse me of such things. I would never 'pawn off' our son. Nor would I try to buy my way into your bed."

Anna scoffed sarcastically. "Of course you wouldn't."

John shook his head in frustration.

"Anna, what the bloody hell is going on? Who are you? Who is this person standing before me accusing me of trying to buy off my wife?!" He tried to gather himself before continuing, but she could still hear the strain on his voice as he tried to keep himself from yelling back at her. She couldn't find it in her to care.

"Anna I don't know what has gotten into you. You haven't been acting like yourself for months. All this time I've driven myself crazy trying to figure out what i've done. I thought you were stressed. _That_ is why I sent you away today! I cleaned, and cooked because I thought I was _helping_ you! I bought you the necklace because _I love you!"_

"I don't believe you." Anna whispered, her voice almost menacing as hot tears of anger slid down her face.

John just stood there completely flabbergasted, and obviously at a loss for words. She couldn't take this. Reaching up to her neck she unlatched the necklace, put it on the table, and turned towards the front door. Her hand was on the doorknob when she felt his grip on her arm.

"Where are you going?" His tone had changed; shifted to one of heartfelt worry, and pain. Even in the haze of her anger she knew that she'd caused this, and her tears gained intensity.

She yanked her arm out of his grip, and turned as he stepped back. She saw his eyes brimming with tears of his own, and it almost broke her. But the anger wasn't dissipating. It was like it had latched onto every rational thought she could come up with; poisoning her, and turning her into a person she didn't recognize. When she spoke she felt disconnected from the words she was saying.

"I am going to get my son. He seems to be the only one who doesn't feel the need to coddle me. We will be staying at the Abbey tonight." She turned back towards the door, but stopped when she heard him choke back a sob.

"Anna please. _Please_ don't go. We need to fix this...Will is fine with Mrs. Hughes. We need to work this out while he's not here. I don't want him to see us fighting. Please, I am begging you...stay." She had never heard such pure desperation in his voice before, and it seemed to pull some of the darkness from her thoughts. Enough that after a moment she nodded in agreement, and let him lead her to the sofa in their sitting room.

They sat there side by side, a heavy silence between them, and Anna had never felt so utterly alone than she did in that moment. She refused to speak first; he wouldn't understand anyway so what was the point? He was the one who wanted her to stay, so he could be the one to talk first….and so he did.

"I'm sorry that I told Mrs. Hughes. I shouldn't have done that. It was a private matter, and I should have spoken to you first." His words were sincere, and she nodded her head in acceptance.

"I just….I didn't know what to do. I have never seen you like that, and it scared me."

He waited, but she didn't respond so he went on.

"And this...what happened tonight...this isn't you Anna. This isn't _us._ We don't fight like this." There was a long pause before he asked quietly, "Is it something I've done?"

"No." Anna whispered. She heard him sigh with relief that she was finally speaking.

"You're sure? Because if I have done something please tell me...I'll do anything to fix it."

"I said no!" She was not in the mood to deal with his self-deprecation.

"Alright, I believe you." He was silent a moment. "Is it Will?"

"What?"

"Is he too much for you? Maybe we can get someone to come, and help once in a while just to give you a break."

Anna felt the rage building up again, but tried desperately to keep it from exploding like before. "I can't believe you would even suggest that? Are you saying I can't take care of my own son?"

"Of course not." John said defensively. "You are a wonderful mother."

"Then why did you ask?" She tried to keep her tone level, but she could hear the underlying tension in it. She could tell John was treading on thin ice; trying to determine if what he said next would set her off. Honestly she had no idea if it would or not.

"Because if it's not anything I've done, and it's not Will, then…."

"Then what?" She had a feeling she knew where this was going.

"Darling, you just haven't been yourself lately."

"So now it's my fault?!" Her voice rose.

"No of course not." He tried to reassure her. She could hear the frustration building in his tone. "I only want to help you, love, but I can't do that unless you tell me what's going on."

"This is your idea of trying to help me? Blaming me?"

That was it for John. She watched as he crumbled in front of her. Tears spilled from his eyes, and with his elbows resting on his knees he put his head in hands. Anna felt the anger fall away from her in that moment, as she watched her stoic husband fall apart. She was breaking him. _Oh God what have I done?_ When he spoke his next words her heart shattered.

"Do you not love me anymore?"

"What? Of course I love you." She replied.

He seemed to gather some form of resolve in that moment.

"Anna I told you once, and I'll tell you again; I'd love you however, whatever, whenever. I mean that with all of my heart."

Tears welled up in her eyes. She tried to form the words to apologize for everything, but nothing was coming out. He took notice of her tears, and took her hands in his own.

"Let me help you, love. Just tell me what you want...anything, and I'll do it. Do you want me to leave? I'll go right now if that's what you want."

She desperately wanted to say no, but she was frozen. She could feel the indifferent expression on her face, and pleaded with herself to show some kind of emotion. _Speak Anna! For God's sake do something!_ She just sat there watching as his expression turned to one of total anguish and despair. _No….Oh God, please no._

"So be it." He whispered. "I'll go fetch Will, and bring him back here. Then I'll go stay at the Grantham Arms for the night." It sounded so final.

No, she couldn't allow this to happen. When he released her hand, and stood up to leave, something finally broke inside of her.

"No!" She choked out through a sob. John turned immediately, just in time to catch her as she launched herself into his arms. "Don't go. Don't go." She didn't know what else to say in that moment. Didn't even know if she could say anything else through the intensity of her crying. All she knew was that him leaving would only break her completely. She needed him. If she had any hope of making it through this...whatever _this_ was...she had to have his support. She had to tell him….but right now she needed to cry.

She was vaguely aware of John soothing her with soft words. Rocking her as she wept desperately into his chest. The past six months of stress, confusion, and desperation released in that moment, and Anna felt a strange sense of relief.

As she started to calm down, she felt John lift her into his arms, and make his way towards the stairs. She couldn't speak to protest, her breath still hitching from her cries. For a moment she felt a sense of panic rise inside of her. Surely he wasn't trying to take her to bed? He wouldn't try to comfort her in _that_ way, would he? But Anna realized how silly that thought was, and then rejoiced in the return of logic to her mind.

He was more than gentle with her as he laid her down on the bed; pulling back the covers so she could get comfortable. He sat beside her, and rubbed circles into her back...much like he did for William when he was upset. It worked, and she finally felt herself relax enough to speak. She opened her hand beside her, and he didn't hesitate to take it.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, her voice hoarse. "I couldn't take you leaving me again. I'll change, I promise. We'll fix this...I don't know how...but we'll try."

He squeezed her hand gently, and moved the hand on her back up to push the hair away from her face.

"I don't want you to change, love. I just want you back."

Hearing him acknowledge the change in her broke an entirely new dam of tears she didn't even know existed. He stayed by her side as she cried until there was nothing left. She was overcome with exhaustion, and her eyes began to give in to the weight of it. Just as she was about to slip into the blissful peace of sleep she felt his weight leave the bed beside her. A new wave of panic brought her back from the brink.

"John." He turned from the door when he heard her voice.

"What is it, love?" He returned to her side.

"Are you leaving?" She felt her lip quiver, but there were no more tears to be shed.

He brought his warm hand up to rest on her cheek. "No love, I'll never leave you. I was just going to sleep in the guest room….give you some space."

She shook her head. "Stay with me."

"Anna…" He started to protest.

"John please. Stay….I need you to hold me." She could barely get the words out. She felt relieved when he didn't even hesitate. He removed his coat, vest, and shirt, leaving him in his undershirt. He then quickly switched his trousers for pajama bottoms before climbing into bed beside her. The moment she was settled in the safety of his arms she let the exhaustion have her. The last thing she remembered before she was pulled completely under was the feeling of his lips in her hair, and his whispered words of love.

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**_It gets better from here guys. Thank you for reading, and please leave me a review to let me know what you think! xo_**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N****: **Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the feedback on this story! You have no idea how much each and every review means to me. Especially the ones I'm getting from mother's who have been through this. You are all so strong and brave, and I admire all of you.

Things start to look up from here on out. In this chapter Anna and John finally have the conversation that will set her on the road to healing.

I hope you guys enjoy, and keep those reviews coming! :) xo

**Disclaimer****: Same as Ch. 1-2**

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Anna woke just before dawn after several hours of restless sleep. Her husband wasn't much better beside her; tossing, and groaning. Anna finally moved over to the rocking chair in the corner of the small room. She felt odd sitting there without William in her arms. This was normally where she sat in the early hours of the morning and fed him. Instead she settled for just observing her John. His face was creased with worry...for her she imagined. She allowed herself a moment to think about what had transpired last night. The fight itself was fuzzy...she could distinctly remember some things, but not others which frustrated her.

_"Just because you pawn our son off, and buy me a pretty necklace doesn't mean I am going to sleep with you!"_

Anna cringed as the words she'd spat at John came back to her. She had never known such intense anger in all her life. What had she been thinking, accusing him of such terrible things? She knew she'd hurt him immensely. She felt her eyes brim with tears as she remembered watching him break down on their settee….this wasn't her. She had promised him she would fix this...that she would change; even if he didn't feel like she needed to, she knew she did. _You have to tell him. Today._ Her conscience pushed her, and she knew it was right. She would have to tell him everything; her feelings about her body, her melancholy attitude….her thoughts of running away.

She hadn't noticed that while she had been preparing herself for what was ahead, her husband had woken up and was watching her. She gave him a weak smile which he returned.

"Good morning." She whispered.

"Good morning, love. What are you doing over there? It's cold, you should come back to bed. I can get up if you want me to."

She shook her head; her sweet husband, always thinking of her.

"No, you don't have to get up. I'll join you." She climbed back into bed beside him, finding comfort in the warmth he provided. They sat up against the headboard with what felt like miles between them.

This was it. It was time to tell him everything. She'd never felt so utterly terrified in all her life as she did in this moment. If she had married any other man she might not be able to gather the courage to admit all this, but she hadn't married just any man. She'd married the love of her life. John Bates was the kindest, bravest, most loving, and most understanding person she'd ever known. She could tell him anything.

"We need to talk." She whispered, looking down at her lap as she fiddled with the blankets. She looked up when his hand moved into her sight line. She grasped his hand like it was a lifeline. When she met his eyes she was overwhelmed by the love that flowed between them.

"I know I haven't been myself lately. The first thing I need to say is how sorry I am about last night."

"Anna..." She could tell he was going to defend her, but she had to get this out. She silenced him by placing her free hand gently on his cheek.

"Please John." He seemed to sense that she needed his silence, and he nodded.

"I can't remember all of it," she flushed with embarrassment, "but I know I said some terrible things; things I know are not in the least bit true. Please know that. You are a wonderful husband and father, and what you did yesterday was so amazingly thoughtful and sweet. I know you would never try to buy me...God, even saying it out loud is ridiculous..." His eyes were soft, and patient as she spoke. "You believe me right? That I don't believe any of that?"

He nodded. "I do."

That was a relief. "I could sit here and say that I don't know what came over me, but...I think I do..." Her voice was shaking with nerves. She could feel the darkness creeping back in, trying to convince her that she was making a mistake. Would he think she was mad? Would he think her unfit to care for their son? What if he left her and took William?

_No_. She was done with this. If there was one thing she knew for sure it was that love could cast out any darkness; no matter how powerful. Love was always stronger.

"I need you to let me get this out, alright? I know you are going to want to object, and defend me...and I love you for that, but please…" His grip tightened on her hand.

"I promise, Anna." He whispered.

She took a steadying breath, and at long last told him everything; poured out every worry, every thought, every desperate moment she'd had over the past six months. She told him about her feelings of despair and inadequacy, and about wanting to run away from it all. His expression was concerned, but loving and patient as he listened to everything. He rubbed soothing circles into her palm with his thumb, and the simple action made her feel calmer than she had in months. The words flowed out of her now like a waterfall.

She could hardly believe she was giving a voice to the thoughts that had been running through her mind all this time. She looked over at her husband occasionally as she talked, but he remained steady. His eyes held no judgement, only devotion and encouragement.

She stopped for a moment, and thought about what she was going to have to tell him next. _You've come this far Anna, you might as well tell him everything._

"Then there was my inability to be with you." His eyes widened slightly before he reigned in his expression. She could tell he hadn't expected the conversation to go down this path.

"My body changed in ways I didn't like after having William. I convinced myself that you would be disgusted with me if you saw me, and…I just couldn't face that." She couldn't keep the tears at bay any longer. "I wanted so badly to be intimate with you again, to have that comfort of being close to you...I felt like it could heal me. But every time I thought about it the fear and panic would darken my mind. I just couldn't imagine you looking at me. I still can't." She stifled back the sobs for a moment, as his arm tentatively wrap around her shoulders. She felt him relax when she leaned into him.

"Not only am I bad mother, but I can't even be a proper wife." With that she broke down in his arms.

He held her for what could have been hours or minutes, she had no idea. All time fell away from them as he whispered words of love into her hair along with sweet kisses. She felt like a weight had been lifted off of her soul. He knew everything now. For better or worse he knew the whole truth of what she'd been feeling, and fighting with these past six months. The darkness tried to tell her that this was it; they were over, and he would leave her now that he knew. But as her husband's arms tightened around her she knew that love had prevailed.

Her tears finally subsided, and she opened her eyes to see the dawn peaking through the curtains of their bedroom. A weighted silence settled between them, but she still felt more peaceful than she had in what felt like an eternity. She knew the conversation wasn't over. She knew he would have questions, and would feel the need to reassure her with his words. She knew she would welcome them, and the thought made her want to leap for joy.

The doubts were still there. She still had no idea how she was going to allow him to look at her body when the time came...and it would come. She couldn't keep fooling herself by thinking that she could keep him at bay forever. She knew she had a lot of work to do to repair her bond with William; to reestablish her place as his mother, and to do everything in her power to be the best she could possibly be.

The doubts failed to terrify her now that she had the support of her husband. Together they could take on any challenge.

"Anna?" His soft voice broke through her thoughts. She shifted slightly so that she was sitting up in the bed, but still held in the warmth of his arms. It may be selfish, but she needed every ounce of strength he could provide right now.

She met his eyes, and noticed they were bloodshot like her own. He'd been crying with her.

"Oh John." She placed her hand on his cheek gently, and he leaned into her touch. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "No, love. _I'm_ sorry."

"Why?" She asked, confused. She didn't blame him in the slightest for any of this. What could he possibly have to be sorry for?

He lowered his gaze, and she noticed he was playing with her wedding ring.

"I have known all this time that something was wrong. I told myself you were just tired, and needed space. I left you to deal with all of this, essentially alone. I will never forgive myself…"

"Stop." She said fiercely, and then cringed when he looked slightly weary. She didn't blame him after last night. She tried to reassure him by gripping his hand.

"I will not sit here, and allow you to blame yourself for my mistakes. I should have talked to you long before now….I never should have let it get this bad. I don't...I don't even know what _it_ is, but I know that if it hadn't been for you there is no way I could have survived."

He gathered her back into his arms, and held her tightly to him as if she could slip through their bed, and disappear forever if he didn't keep his grip. The thought made her heart ache. How had she managed to hurt them so badly?

"Now it's my turn to talk." He whispered into her hair. She pulled back, and saw the determination in his expression.

"Alright."

"First of all, you are an _amazing_ mother. Before you try to protest you should know that I understand more than you realize the meaning behind what you've told me. You see my mother was a midwife while I was growing up."

"She was? I never knew."

"Yes." He smiled, memories of his mother playing out in his eyes. "I remember her leaving in the night to deliver a baby, and sending word to me when they were born. Sometimes she would have me accompany her if there were other children in the house. One thing I specifically remember were the times when we would take in new mothers in despair…"

Anna felt her heartbeat quicken. There were others who felt this way?

"When I was old enough to understand what was happening my mother explained to me that some mothers had more trouble adjusting than others. She made sure I knew that it did not make them bad mothers, only that they needed extra special care, and more love. Women who had less than understanding husbands sought refuge with us."

He reached up to wipe away a tear that had escaped her eye without her noticing before he continued on.

"I watched as my mother nurtured, loved, and cared for countless women and children. They would improve and leave us in time, but we always received letters from several families. My mother taught me many things, but probably one of the most enduring lessons was that women were to be treated with respect and equality. That no matter what I did in life I was to cherish and love my wife and children with everything I had."

"Your mother was an amazing woman." Anna whispered through her tears.

"She was…..and I failed her."

"What? No you didn't."

"Ah, but I did my love. You see...not all the women who came to us were the same. I suppose it would manifest itself in different ways in different people. But I have recognized some of the symptoms in you. I brushed it to the side thinking it impossible for my perfect wife to feel like she was unfit or unworthy in any way. I tried to help as much as I could, tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are every chance I got, and told myself that you knew the words to be true. I never imagined….never dreamed that you could see yourself as anything less than the perfect person that I see when I look at you. Everything I saw, everything my mother taught me, I just tossed it aside. I could have helped you so much sooner." Something inside John broke as the words came out in a torrent of regret and blame.

It was her turn to hold him as he fell apart in her arms. He blamed himself. He thought he was the failure here, because in his eyes she was still too perfect to be at fault.

"John." She whispered. "Look at me."

He met her eyes, and she wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks.

"You have not failed me, do you understand? Nor have you failed your mother. We are both human John, and we both make mistakes. I will only let you cast the blame on yourself, if you will allow me to cast it on myself as well. And I know you...I know you won't allow that, so let's just find a common ground here. We can't dwell on this. I want to move on."

"I want that too." He whispered.

"I can't promise it will be tomorrow, or this week, or even a month from now...but I will try John. I promise."

"And I will help you. Whatever you need." They grasped each others hands for dear life as they renewed their vows to each other. "If you ever feel that way again; if you ever doubt, or feel like it's too much pressure please just be honest with me. I never want you to feel alone again. You can always talk to me."

"I know that now." She smiled gently, then turned somber again. "I was just so afraid. I don't know why, but I was so scared."

"Fear is powerful, Anna. It can change us; turn us into someone we don't recognize. Just know that I am always here to chase the fear away."

She held his face in her hands, and ever so gently placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"I love you more than I ever thought possible." She whispered against his lips.

"As I love you, my beautiful angel."

They exchanged a few more chaste, gentle kisses and held each other for a while longer before the day beckoned them away from the safe cocoon of their room. This time, however, the darkness couldn't reach Anna as she watched John make his way to Downton to pick up their William. When he looked back at her from down the path she felt a foreign, yet utterly familiar sensation settle around her and embrace her from the inside out. Love.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N****: **I'm just going to keep saying thank you for all the reviews, because you guys are amazing! :)

Bit of a time jump here. This chapter does get a bit racy towards the end, but I didn't feel like it was enough to constitute a rating change. I tried to keep it from getting smutty….nothing wrong with some smut (as you probably know from some of my past fics) it just didn't seem to fit in this story.

Also I want to mention that I realize i'm being very liberal with Mrs. Hughes and her overnight babysitting abilities, but just humor me. I needed her available for this story so she took some time off ;) I'm sure Mr. Carson was easily persuaded by her magical scottish powers.

As always let me know what you think! I always look forward to reviews.

**Disclaimer****: Same as Ch 1-3**

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The two months that followed Anna's confession, and their heart to heart was a time of healing for the Bates family. Lord Grantham had to make an unplanned trip to America, and had insisted on taking Thomas with him since he didn't know how long he would be gone. That left John free to spend more time at the cottage with Anna and William.

At first having John around all the time had felt smothering to Anna, but that feeling didn't linger for long. She quickly realized how much help she needed if she was going to recover from this.

The three of them spent as much time together as they could. Whether it was going out for a picnic and a walk around the village. Or just spending a quiet evening together in their home.

Anna used the time John was away at the Abbey or running errands for her as a chance to bond with her son. She did things with him that she'd been doing from the beginning; she would take him to the garden to play while she planted, but now she would laugh when she caught him eating the dirt. She would read to him, and this time when she was finished with the story she would sing him lullabies her mother used to sing to her. Sometimes she would do something as simple as sitting on the floor and playing with him. It felt like the missing piece to the puzzle had been set, and she was finally able to find joy in spending time with her son. In the midst of her relief and joy she tried not to let guilt cloud her happiness.

_"You're doing these things now Anna, that's what's important."_ John had reassured her when she shared her feelings with him, and she knew he was right. But some days were more difficult than others, and she struggled to remember his encouragement sometimes.

One day a few weeks after their talk, John had to spend the entire day at Downton to help with a large dinner party. It was the first time he'd been away for that long, and William hadn't been feeling well and was rather fussy. Anna could feel her old doubts returning, and tried desperately to remember John's words, but the darkness taunted her. After tears from both of them she finally got William settled down enough, and was watching him as he played on the floor in front of the fire. She couldn't bring herself to join him as she lost herself in her thoughts. Was she really making any progress at all? She'd managed to break down after only a few hours of being left alone with her son. What was she going to do when Lord Grantham returned, and John was gone more? Would she be able to handle it?

Anna was pulled from her dark thoughts when she felt a soft, small hand rest on her leg. She looked down to see that William had pulled himself up in front of her, and was smiling up at her with the brightest expression she'd ever seen. Like sunshine breaking through a storm cloud, her son managed in that one moment to chase all the demons away. She returned his smile as he reached for her, and she gathered him into her arms. As he snuggled down into her shoulder she heard him release a contented sigh, and whisper "mama" before he fell asleep in her arms. Anna felt the tears burn behind her eyes before making a trail down her cheeks, but this time they were tears of pure joy. For the first time she felt proud to be this sweet, caring boy's mother. As she'd drifted off to sleep with him resting in her embrace she thought to herself that she must be doing something right.

John had come home later that night to find Anna and William asleep together on the settee. William nestled in the warmth of his mother's arms, and Anna clinging to him tightly. He woke Anna gently, and she cried again when she saw the tears in his eyes. His heart overflowing with love at such a sight.

As things began to get better for Anna in the way she saw herself as a mother, she was able to focus more on repairing her role as a wife. Not a single day had gone by where John didn't tell her how beautiful she was, or how much he loved her and she loved him all the more for that. However she had to take things one step at a time, and William was the priority. She'd told him as much, and he promised that he understood completely.

Anna had to admit that this was certainly the more daunting task. William was a baby; it was easier to repair a bond when the other person was an infant who loved you unconditionally, and had no preconceived notions. She knew John loved her, but she felt like she had a standard to live up to in their relationship. What if it wasn't the same as before? She certainly didn't look the same, but then…he knew that. These thoughts would plague her, but instead of brushing them aside like before she would talk to John, and let him reassure her.

Even with his reassurances, and vows of patience and devotion; she still had no idea where to begin when it came to reestablishing intimacy with her husband. Luckily for her however she'd married the perfect man, and he'd taken the step for her without even realizing it.

Anna had been preparing dinner the night John came in with the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers she'd ever seen. She couldn't keep the grin from taking over her face. She loved flowers, and he knew that.

"What are these beauties for?" She asked, as she got a vase down to put them in.

"Simply my way of showing you today how much I love you. These flowers may be beautiful, but they don't even come close to being as stunning as you." His voice was low, and laced with love. She felt herself blush for the first time in a long time, and took the flowers from his gentle hands.

Part of her wanted to argue, and say he was wrong, but that wouldn't help either of them. It was time to let herself be complimented, and feel beautiful again. And John certainly knew how to make her feel that way.

After placing the flowers in a vase she turned back to her husband who had taken his seat at the table. She sat down on his good leg, and wrapped her arms around his neck. She noticed the surprise on his face, but he quickly reined it in, and smiled up at her as she ran her fingers along his hairline.

"Thank you John." She whispered. She felt his hands come up to rest on her hips.

"Anything for you my darling. I'd give you the world if I could."

"You already have." She leaned down and caught his lips in a kiss that she hoped portrayed all the feelings she had inside that she couldn't quite express at the moment. As their tongues tangled together in a familiar dance she knew he was doing the same thing. Anna felt strangely out of practice, as well as out of her element. It had been months...almost a year...since they had been this intimate, and the realization made her suddenly uncomfortable. She pulled away quickly, leaving John wide-eyed, and concerned in his chair with his arms hanging by his sides.

"Anna, I'm sorry." She could tell by his voice that he was heaping the blame on himself.

"Please don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong, I just…It's going to take some time John. I'm the one who's sorry." She lowered her head, and turned away from the table. Within a split second she felt his arms around her, and settled back into his embrace.

"Let's agree that we're both sorry, even if neither of us feels the other should be." She could hear the smirk in his voice, and smiled.

"Agreed."

He turned her, and his expression was serious again. "Love, I know this isn't going to happen overnight. You need time…._we_ need time. Which is why I've been thinking…"

"That's dangerous." She smirked, and John chuckled.

"There's my naughty girl. I've missed that sass." He winked before turning serious again. "Anna this is going to sound silly, but just hear me out. I want to court you….properly."

She took a moment to let that sink in. "Court me?"

"Yes."

"You want to _court_ your wife….with our eight month old son tagging along?" She was smiling. She couldn't help but feel intrigued by this idea.

"Yes." He laughed. "Like I said I know it sounds silly, but….well I never had the chance to court you properly, and I thought this would be a good way for us to….reconnect. We can take things as slowly as you want Anna. It will all be in your time. Nothing will happen until you are ready for it to. I will wait for you forever, and simply enjoy any time I get to spend with you."

Somewhere during his speech he'd taken her hands in his, and was now squeezing them gently in a reassuring way. God, she loved this man. What husband would be willing to 'court' his wife in order to reconnect with her? She knew the answer to that question before she even thought it. There was only one, and his name was John Bates. She hugged him fiercely, and had to choke back a sob when he held her just as tightly. It took her a moment before she felt able to respond to him, but when she did she tried to pour as much love into her voice as she could.

"How did I get so lucky?" She whispered as she gazed into his eyes.

"I ask myself the same thing every day." He smiled down at her.

Anna ran her hand along his cheek. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, darling. Forever."

They stood in the other's embrace until William's frustrated hungry babbles broke the spell around them. With a laugh they separated, and worked together to warm their dinner back up.

* * *

Over the next month John managed to make her feel like the single most cherished person in the world. He showered her with flowers, and small gifts. They went on a few dates at Mrs. Hughes' insistence, and while they were out he held her arm in the crook of his like a real gentlemen. He lavished her with words of love and affection, but probably the most special part of their 'courtship' was the letters.

The day after he proposed the idea of courting her the letters had begun. Short little loves notes that he would leave around the cottage for her to find during the day. It quickly became the brightest part her day, finding these notes. As time went on they got longer, and more detailed.

Making use of his restless nights he would take in every detail of her as she slept, and record it down. She would wake the next morning to find his letters of how much he loved to watch her sleep. How he adored her gentle snoring, and the little faces she made while she dreamed. He would then ask her not to be upset by these things, that they were one of the many aspects of her that he found absolutely endearing. He would emphasize how much he loved the way her golden hair flowed over her shoulders when she slept with it down at his request.

On the nights when sleep didn't evade him she would find her letter in the afternoon. It usually pertained to something he'd seen her doing that morning; which was almost always her spending time with William. He would tell her what an amazing job she was doing with their son, and how watching her with him made him fall even more in love with her than he thought was possible.

One by one the letters managed to tear down every wall that she had built around herself in the past months; slowly but surely restoring her confidence, and rebuilding her faith in herself. Feelings and sensations began to return to her that she'd thought were long gone. She would look at her husband and feel the stirrings of desire. Watching him work outside in their garden, or seeing him interact with Will. Even something as simple as watching him drink his tea at night made her want him.

It frightened her at first, the intensity of her feelings for him, but as she slowly came back into her own she felt more secure in her desires. The insecurities lingered, and tried once again to taunt her, but it seemed like every time she thought she'd slipped back into it John would say or do something that banished the darkness.

She knew her husband would wait for her as long as she needed, but one bright morning exactly a month into their courting, after reading his letter for that day Anna knew it was time. She was ready to be with him again. She needed this confirmation of their love; to be as close to him as possible, and share in the pleasure they had been holding back from for too long. Tonight would be the night they reaffirmed their life together in the ultimate act of lovers. She quickly dressed, as she formulated a plan.

* * *

That afternoon Anna came in from working in the garden to find John asleep in his chair, and Will asleep on the floor in the middle of his toys. She smiled to herself, it was no wonder with all the playing the two had done that morning. John had put Will on his shoulders, and chugged around the garden like a train. She knew he'd regret it later when his knee flared up, but she hadn't the heart to reprimand him. She adored watching them together.

_This is perfect_, she thought to herself. She could carry out her plan now without any interference from him. Leaving John a note to tell him where they were, she pulled on her coat, and gently gathered Will in her arms. She sighed with relief when he didn't wake up, grabbed his bag she'd prepared, and made her way towards the Abbey.

She returned an hour later to find that John was still asleep. She gazed at him a moment. It was such a rare thing for her to be able to watch him sleep. His expression soft, and younger; his eyes fluttering with dreams she hoped were of her. She loved this man more than life itself, and she was ready to show him. She had a thought then, and quietly made her way up the stairs to their bedroom. She had to do a little digging in her drawer but eventually she found her silk chemise she'd bought in France. She saw the matching garter, but decided that was a little too racy for her right now. She changed quickly; sighing with relief when she removed the corset. She hesitated for a moment at her underwear. In the past when she wore this for him she would take them off, but she couldn't bring herself to do it this time. She knew that was silly; they'd be coming off eventually regardless, but leaving them on made her feel a little more reserved, and certainly more comfortable.

She was relieved when she discovered that the chemise still fit her; she'd been slightly worried that her wider form would have made it look odd on her. True it hugged her figure a little tighter than it had before, but this was her body now. And if he truly found her beautiful than she was sure he would love it on her now just as much as he did before.

She put on her dress, and made her way back down the stairs hoping he would still be sleeping. She smiled as she entered the sitting room and saw that he was. She tore up the note she'd left, and sat in the chair across from him with her knitting. She didn't have the heart to wake him. She'd waited this long, she could certainly wait a little longer….and he would need his rest. They had a lot of lost time to make up for.

She didn't have to wait long for him to wake up. She looked up from her work just as his eyes fluttered open. He looked down at the floor first before finding her across from him, and she smiled at the adorable confusion that spread across his face.

"Is Will napping?" He asked as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"Quite alright, you two had a busy morning." She giggled to cover her nerves. They were alone, and he had no idea what was ahead of him tonight. She took a deep breath before she went on. "William isn't here actually. I took him up to Mrs. Hughes."

"Oh, so he's spending the afternoon with her?" John sat himself up, and reached for his book. It wasn't uncommon for Will to visit with Mrs. Hughes in the afternoons so Anna needed to be clear that it was more than the usual visit.

"Well actually…" she let her words linger as she put her knitting down and made her way over to his chair. He looked up from his book slightly surprised as she settled herself on his lap. "William is staying with Mrs. Hughes overnight." She whispered the words seductively; taking the book from his now limp hand and laying it back on the side table. "I thought we could use some quality time together, and Mrs. Hughes was more than happy to oblige." John's eyes were still wider than saucers as she began to run her fingers through his hair.

He finally seemed to snap out of his haze, and she smiled as she felt his arms wrap around her and his hands settle on her waist. His touch lit a fire deep inside of her.

"Quality time, eh?" John's voice was low and rough which only stoked the fire further.

"Yes husband, I find that we have been severely lacking of late." Her words, while intended to be sensual, seemed to have broken the spell she had him under. She watched as his eyes shifted from dark desire to concern. He kept his grip firm around her, but the intensity was gone.

"Anna are you sure you're ready for this?" His voice was soft, and full of kind concern. As much as she wanted to be frustrated by his questioning her, she understood. It had been almost a year since they'd been together like this; a few months before William had been born. What if she couldn't please him anymore? What if it wasn't the same?

No. If it wasn't the same it would be because it was better than before. They had waited eight years before they married. Their love was not built on the physical, but on friendship, patience, and respect. They had spent the past three months since her breakdown rebuilding those aspects of their marriage, and now it was time for the final piece of their puzzle. They had been to hell and back together, and the journey had only strengthened the foundation on which their love was built.

She smiled down at her adoring, caring husband and gently ran her hand down his face. She could see the worry ease from his expression as he saw the confidence in her eyes, and he smiled back at her.

"I have never been more sure of anything in my life."

That was all it took for the dam to break. He caught her mouth in a flaming kiss, and in one swift motion stood up with her securely in his arms. She tried to protest as she realized that he was going to carry her up the stairs, but she was sufficiently distracted by the magic of his lips. Before she knew it he was laying her down on their bed in the broad daylight. The sunshine coming in through the windows made it painfully obvious that he was going to see every part of her very clearly. She felt her stomach clench, but tried to keep her doubts from ruining the moment. She managed to clear her expression before he pulled his shirt over his head and fixed his gaze on her again. However she never seemed to be able to fool him.

As if reading her mind John walked over, and drew the curtains shut. The room was still relatively well lit, but the shadow helped ease some of her worry. He laid down beside her, and ran his hand softly down the length of her body before kissing her again. She let herself get lost in the sensations; so foreign yet so familiar all at the same time. She was scared...terrified in fact, but this felt right. So right.

He pulled back, and their eyes locked.

"Anna love, if you feel at all uncomfortable at any time just say the word, and we'll stop. Promise me."

"I promise." She whispered.

With her promise lingering in the air between them John moved his hand up and slowly began to undo the buttons of her dress. She distracted herself from his actions by running her fingers through his chest hair; something she'd so missed doing. She was rewarded with a slight groan from him. She noticed he was fumbling slightly; he'd never struggled with undressing her before. She looked up then, and noticed he was rather flushed.

"Are you alright John?"

"Uhhh...yes. I'm fine." He swallowed hard. "Just having a bit of trouble with these buttons. I fear I'm somewhat out of practice." His laugh was a nervous one, and it made her heart swell with love for him.

"Would you like some help?" She asked softly.

"No no. I can manage." He winked at her. It wasn't lost on either of them the significance of that statement.

He became a little more confident as the buttons began to yield to him, and started to place soft open-mouthed kisses down her neck. She closed her eyes as his fingertips and tongue grazed her exposed skin lightly. She'd forgotten how wonderful this felt. When he finally had all the buttons undone she shifted her way out of the dress with his help; watching as he unceremoniously tossed it to the floor.

Her heart rate and breathing increased as he took in the sight of her laying there in her chemise. She found that she couldn't look at his face while he looked at her. Why did she have to be so embarrassed? She felt like she was on a wild ride of emotions; one minute feeling confident and sure, and the next terrified of how he how would feel when he saw her.

She was barely able to make out his words; so quiet that they seemed like a mere breath, but spoken with intense passion.

"My God, Anna. You're stunning."

She opened her eyes, and saw the adoration and deep desire that was pouring from her husband. Her breath caught, and she had to look away from him again. No matter how much she tried she couldn't get her heart to settle down.

She gasped and flinched ever so slightly when she felt his hand rest on her chest above her rapidly beating heart. She waited a moment thinking he was going to move further down, but when he didn't she shifted her eyes back to his.

"What are you doing?"

There was a heartbeat of silence before he answered her.

"Waiting for your heart to slow down. I don't want to continue if I know you're scared of me." There was a shred of pain in his voice, but it was overshadowed by concern for her.

She placed her hand over his, and took a deep breath. They both noticed that her heart began to calm.

"I'm not afraid of you John….just of what you'll think when you see me." There was a slight tremor in her voice, and she felt the tears burning behind her eyes. Her words were soft, but struck him as if she'd yelled them from the rooftops. He turned his hand, and laced their fingers together. He squeezed her hand gently before bringing it up and kissing it reverently.

"Anna there is nothing, absolutely _nothing_ that could make me see you as anything less than beautiful, and perfect. I don't need to see your body to know that. It's just a simple fact. Would you love me less if my body changed?" She shook her head. "Of course not, so how can you expect that behaviour from me? My love, you carried and gave birth to our child. Of course that changed you, but darling, in my eyes, it only made you more perfect."

The tears broke free during his speech, and were flowing heavily. She could hardly believe what she was hearing. She'd never thought of it like that; that he saw her changes as signs of beauty marked by her giving him their son. All her doubts melted away like ice after a long winter. For the first time she felt proud of her body, and herself. She'd believed every reaffirming word he'd said to her over the past three months, and these were no different.

"Truly?" She whispered. Needing one last confirmation from him.

He smiled that smile that had made her weak from the very first day.

"Truly."

And with that one word they lost themselves in the overwhelming passion and joy of rediscovery.

* * *

Anna had never felt so content as she did in this moment laying in her husband's warm embrace; completely sated and satisfied. She played with John's chest hair as their legs threaded together, and his arm rested gently around her waist. She looked up to see that he was dozing off, and smiled. His hair was wild from where she'd grabbed it in the heat of the moment, and his lips were slightly swollen. There was a haze of post coital bliss that lingered around them, and Anna relished in it.

Even in the passionate days that followed his release from prison she didn't think they had experienced this level of pleasure. Thinking back on what had just happened between them she thought how silly she'd been for being afraid of what he would think.

John had worshipped her. Made her feel like she was the most attractive woman in the world, and to him she was. The thought made her blush. She closed her eyes and let her mind wander to all the ways he'd proved his undying desire for her this afternoon. He knew about all the parts of her she was uncomfortable about; she'd told him when they had their talk three months ago. She wasn't sure if he would remember, but she should have known better….this was her John after all.

After removing her chemise, and underwear he'd taken a moment to take her in. Her heart had picked back up in speed, but the sheer terror hadn't lasted long before her heart was racing for a far different reason. As he kissed his way over her body he'd lingered on every single part of her she'd been so frightened about. Every mark on her stomach he'd soothed and caressed with his heavenly lips and tongue. He'd praised her larger breasts, making sure she knew how much he adored them with his words before proving it with his hands and mouth. And when he'd finally made it to her hips he'd simply run his hands down her sides, cradling her in his large hands and whispered, "You're flawless Anna, absolutely flawless."

His sincere appreciation for her body broke through the dark clouds that had been surrounding her, and she was finally, at long last, able to reciprocate his ardor. They'd moved together with a practiced ease she feared had been forgotten. John brought her to the pinnacle of pleasure a few times before even thinking about seeking his own, and when they finally joined their bodies together it felt like coming home.

The pain had been piercing at first; the birth of a child, and so many months of his absence making it feel as if it were her wedding night all over again. John had stilled immediately, but with her encouragement continued on at a slow, easy pace. Luckily the pain didn't linger, and she was able to savor their reunion.

She couldn't keep count of how many times he'd whispered that he loved her as they moved as one. The tears fell heavily for both of them, and as each of them tried to kiss the others away they soon realized what these tears represented, and let them flow freely. This was it; this was the final healing step in their relationship. The last ray of light that was needed to completely banish the darkness from their lives for good. They hadn't let the demons win; they'd stood strong and fought together for their family, and for their love. Fear had no place in this moment; it was cast aside by the torrent of dedication, devotion, and adoration that was being exchanged as they made love to each other.

When they reached their end together they held each other tightly, and cried away the final remnants of pain. Their struggle was over.

Anna opened her eyes, and the first thing she realized was that John wasn't beside her. The next thing she noticed was that the room was significantly darker than it had been. She must have fallen asleep? It was no wonder with the physical, not to mention emotional exhaustion that came from what they'd shared earlier. She smiled as she brought her fingers to her still swollen lips.

She barely sat up in the bed before the bedroom door creaked open slowly, and her sweet husband poked his head in. His smile was radiant when he saw she was awake, and he continued in with a tray of food that was fit for a queen. He had on only his robe which was hanging loosely around him, and she felt her body heat yet again. Making up for lost time she supposed, and blushed.

He sat down on the bed next to her, placing the tray gently on the floor, and turned to her.

"How are you feeling, my love?" He caressed her leg through the sheet which didn't do anything to help her rising need for him. She placed her hand over his.

"I'd venture to say I've never felt better, Mr. Bates." She drug out his surname in the way she knew drove him crazy, and watched his eyes heat.

She understood now why he'd set the tray on the floor as he laid them both down. He kissed her with a fire she recognized, and his hand made its way under the sheet. However he stopped suddenly when she moved to undo his robe.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong love, I just…." She could see he was conflicted, and soothingly caressed his exposed chest until he finally met her eyes. "Anna I don't want you to feel like I have any expectations now that we've made love again. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were before right away. I need you to know that all of this is on your terms, and always will be."

Just when she thought she couldn't love this man anymore…. Her heart was so full in this moment, and all she could think to do to show him what she was feeling was kiss him senseless. She pulled back after several minutes, and met his loving eyes.

"I love you so much John, and there is nothing that I want more right now and for the rest of my life than to be in your arms."

His smile stole her breath away, and she giggled shamelessly as he took off his robe and joined her under the warmth of their sheets. The food, and all awareness of the outside world was put on hold for the rest of the night as they once again lost themselves in each other.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**: Well folks, we have reached the end of this little story. I was a little sad when I finished this at five chapters, because I kind of wanted there to be more, but sometimes we don't control those things…..Bates and Anna ended it for me :) Plus this is my first completed multi-chapter fic, so that's exciting!

I sincerely hope you have loved reading this as much as I loved writing it. A million thank you's for all the reviews, and support!

Now that this is done I'll be getting back to long neglected other works, so stay tuned! Thanks again guys, I love you all! xo

**Disclaimer**: Same as Ch. 1-4

* * *

**~3 Months Later~**

Anna eased herself out of bed gently praying that the sickness she'd been experiencing over the past few weeks would leave her be. Today of all days she felt entitled to ask for this smallest of favors. She stood warily in the middle of the room, and breathed a heavy sigh of relief when her stomach didn't revolt against her.

"Thank you." She whispered into the morning air.

This was a special day indeed; it was their sweet William's first birthday as well as her and John's fifth wedding anniversary. My how time had flown by them. She could hardly believe that her baby was one. He had grown so much just in the last three months alone. He was saying more words including Mama and Dada, yes and no..._no_ being his favorite at the moment. He'd also recently begun to pull himself up, and show signs of walking.

Yes, her sweet Will was growing up fast, but as she moved slowly into the bathroom so as not to jinx her good luck of not being sick, the thought played over in her mind that they could possibly have another little one to watch grow up soon.

She was having the exact same symptoms she'd had with William; sickness, moodiness, and she'd yet to start her cycle. However she'd been holding off on saying anything to John. He'd been encouraging her to see the doctor because of her illness, but she'd put it off. She had a pretty good idea that it wasn't a flu as he suggested.

She tried to tell herself that she was keeping it from him because she didn't want to get his hopes up if she was wrong, but that was only partially true. The truth of the matter was she knew as soon she shared her suspicions he would start to worry. _With good reason_, she thought to herself. She'd been terrified at first; what if she had the same feelings after having this baby that she had after William? What if she lost herself again? What if this time she couldn't find her way back? If the stress of one baby was enough to drive her to the brink of madness, would two send her over the edge? These dark thoughts plagued her for the first few weeks, and she feared she was reverting back to her old ways. But just like he had every other time before John had pulled her from the darkness with words of love and encouragement.

As she stood looking at herself in the bathroom mirror she realized that she wasn't the same person she'd been after Will was born. She knew now what it felt like to lose yourself in despair. How it felt to think you weren't worthy of all the blessings in your life. How much it hurt to feel alone in your personal hell. But she wasn't alone anymore. Her husband had braved the darkness, and dove head first into the pit she'd buried herself in. He saved her. She no longer felt alone, and she knew that would be the difference this time around. She knew what to expect. She felt confident, brave, and most of all loved. John was going to be worried and have concerns, she didn't deceive herself of that, but she would do everything she could to prove to him that she could handle this. His faith in her was unwavering; she had no doubts that he would see the determination in her eyes, and that would cast out all fear.

William's party wasn't until that afternoon so Anna dressed herself, and decided that this morning she would pay that visit to Dr. Clarkson. Tonight would be the night she told John about the growing joy that awaited them.

* * *

Anna couldn't keep the glowing grin from her face all through Will's party, and it didn't go unnoticed by her husband. She told him that it was just excitement over their baby boy's day, and teased him with a surprise for their anniversary later on. His eyes heated immediately, and she giggled to herself. They had definitely resumed their marital activities with a fierceness after that first time 3 months ago. After his release from prison Anna thought the passion between them had reached it's peak, and couldn't travel any higher. She was proved most assuredly wrong these past months.

They simply could not get enough of each other. William was now sleeping in his own room, and that freed them of any awkwardness of making love with their son sleeping next to their bed. Six months ago she would have never thought it possible for them to crave each other the way they did now. John made it clear to her time and time again how much he adored her and her body; every part of her she'd been scared about he worshipped. It didn't take long for her to use her new figure to her advantage. She'd found a new small shop in York that carried all the latest Paris fashions, including some rather racy bedroom attire. She only managed to talk herself into one purchase, but it had certainly been more than worth it. In fact….she thought she might wear it for him again tonight seeing as how she wouldn't be able to soon.

Absentmindedly, she placed her hand on her abdomen. She could not wait to tell him about their new addition tonight. Dr. Clarkson had assured her that all was well, and that they both seemed perfectly healthy. He expressed a little concern with her age, but all it meant was that he would want to see her a little more often.

After everyone had gone back to the house, and it was just the three of them she stood and watched her husband and son playing in the grass together. Anna felt a sense of peace wash over. She allowed herself a moment to linger on how much things had changed for them. She could honestly say now that it was all behind them that she truly had never been so happy in all her life.

She made her way over to her little family, and laughed as William called her name with excitement as she approached. She sat a little apart from them, and motioned for him to try to walk to her. He'd been trying lately, but was still a little wobbly on his feet. With John's fingers clutched tightly in his little fists he made his way towards his Mama. Anna clapped, and cheered him on as he made it closer to her, and when he left John's reach he finished the short walk on his own.

"Oh William! You did it!" Anna praised him, and as she caught him in her arms they collapsed on in the grass together. "That's Mama's big boy." She tickled him relentlessly, and when she finally sat up she caught John's adoring gaze as he watched them.

"Blow Daddy a kiss, Will." Anna whispered, and made the motion with her hand which he mimicked. William giggled as John pretended to catch the kiss, and placed it on his cheek.

"Oh that was a good one, little man." John said, and Will pushed his way out of Anna's arms so he could toddle between the two of them.

They played until the sun began to disappear on them, and when William fell asleep they walked back to the house in peaceful, blissful silence. As Anna looked from her sleeping boy in her arms to her handsome man walking beside her she realized that these were the moments she lived for.

* * *

Anna quickly changed into the corset and underwear that made up part of her anniversary gift for John. The piece accentuated every part of her body that his appreciation had made her love as well. Her ample breasts spilled over the top showing a scandalous amount of cleavage, and it flared out at just the right angle as to accentuate her wider hips. Three months ago she _never_ would have imagined herself in such an outfit, yet here she was; flaunting her assets for her husband. She smiled; perhaps some would think her a wanton harlot, but she reassured herself with John's words from the first time she'd worn this outfit for him.

"_Darling, what we do behind closed doors is our business. We are married, and if we enjoy these activities and neither of us feels uncomfortable then there is no harm in them."_

He'd thrown her a wicked smile before prowling towards her like a lion hunting prey.

"_And I assure you….I will never feel uncomfortable with whatever way we choose to pleasure each other."_

"_I quite agree with you….Mr. Bates."_

That had been the last words spoken between them for the rest of the evening.

She snapped from the memory when she heard John's footsteps across the hall, and quickly made a few adjustments before pulling on her robe. She sat at her dressing table, and began to brush out her hair as he entered their room and greeted her with his adoring smile.

"Why don't you let me do that?" He said quietly as he walked towards her. She relinquished the brush to him, and closed her eyes as he soothingly ran it through her hair. She'd never quite understood his fascination with her hair, but it pleased him so she indulged him.

When he finished she stopped him from braiding it for her.

She stood from her chair and wrapped her arms around his neck. "It will only come out later." His eyes darkened at her words, and he kissed her with fierce determination. God, how she loved to kiss him.

He gave her quite a pout when she pulled away, but it didn't last long as she pushed him down on the bed. His gaze burned her as she slowly removed her robe and sauntered over to him. As she straddled his waist, and began to unbutton his shirt, she left hot wet kisses down his chest as she went. She was rewarded with a deep groan from him.

She met his eyes then from her position just above the waistline of his trousers, and slowly began to undo them.

"Happy Anniversary, husband." She growled.

His fingers tangled in her hair, and he somehow managed to respond to her. "A happy anniversary indeed, my naughty wife."

There were no more words exchanged for quite some time after that. Only moans, and gasped words of love as they made love with such intensity that it was quite possible the bed could have caught fire beneath them and neither would have noticed.

* * *

They laid tangled in each other's embrace; both of them sweaty and trying to regain control of their breathing. Anna tightened her hold around his waist, and placed a gentle kiss onto his chest. She looked up see him smiling down at her.

"That was quite the anniversary present, my love. Thank you." His words were still husky, and it made her shiver. She rubbed gentle circles into his side with her thumb, praying that he would be as happy about her next present as she was.

"I have something else for you."

"Well that's a coincidence, because I have something for you as well." His tone was playful, and it made Anna giggle.

"Oh really?"

Without pulling away from her, John managed to reach into his side table drawer and brought out a small box. Anna felt excitement bubble up inside of her as he handed it to her, and placed a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Open it." He whispered into her hair.

She opened the box, and gasped as she found the same three heart necklace he'd given her six months ago. After she'd taken it off in her fit of anger it had disappeared; to be honest it took a few days before she even thought to ask where it had gone to. She felt terrible for tossing aside such a thoughtful gift, but John had reassured her, and told her that he would give it to her again when the time was right.

She looked to him with tears in her eyes.

"Notice anything different about it?" His smile was bright with boyish excitement.

She looked back at it, and noticed a small charm that hadn't been on the chain before. Holding it gently in her hands she noticed an inscription: _Love Never Fails._

The tears spilled over, and she melted further into his embrace. He pulled away a little, and motioned for her to sit up so he could put the necklace on her.

She held the charm in her hand. "Oh John, I love it. It's perfect, except…." She let her words linger in the air before looking up and meeting his confused gaze. She laughed to ease his tension. "Don't worry darling it's nothing to fuss over. It's just now these three hearts hold a different meaning for me than they did when you gave this to me the first time."

"How so?"

"Well before they represented you, me, and William." She paused to see if he was going to catch on to where this was leading. When he just stared at her blankly she couldn't help but roll her eyes.

"And? What do they represent now?" He asked.

"Well now they stand for you, William…..and our new little one that will be joining us soon." She couldn't say it any more plainly than that, and she rather enjoyed watching the play of emotions on his face as he pieced her words together.

Finally he settled on pleasant shock, and gathered her even more tightly into his arms.

"Oh Anna! Do you mean it?"

She giggled. "Yes John. I saw Dr. Clarkson today, remember? Everything is wonderful. I am three months along so we will be meeting him or her sometime around October."

"You're three months? But we just barely started...um I mean...well we just got back to making love three months ago?" His stuttering was so utterly adorable that she couldn't help but tease him.

"And?...Your point is what, Mr. Bates?" She smirked.

"I guess I just didn't expect this so soon. We were married four years before Will came along."

"Well I suppose some things just get better with age."

He joined her in a fit of laughter before things became a litte more somber. She sighed...she'd known this was coming, and felt prepared to put him at ease.

"Anna…"

"I know what you're going to say John. I have thought a lot about this…"

"You have? How long have you known?" He sounded slightly hurt, and she suddenly felt bad for not having shared her suspicions with him.

"I've had a pretty good idea for a few weeks. I was having the same symptoms I had with William, but it wasn't confirmed until today and I didn't want to get your hopes up if I was wrong."

He nodded, and that seemed to put him at ease. She watched him brood for a moment before he turned fully towards her, and took her hand firmly in his.

"We can do this Anna. I won't let you go through what you did before. I will be here for you every step."

She smiled at her dear husband. "I know. That's why I'm not frightened anymore about this. Before I felt alone and trapped; like you wouldn't understand what I was going through, but now I know you do...more so than most husbands that's for sure. I feel confident, and brave with you by my side. I know we can accomplish anything as long as we are together."

A tear slipped from his eye, and she leaned up to kiss it away. He held her in place for just a moment turning his head slightly to meet her lips in a gentle kiss. When she pulled away they were both crying, but finally they were tears of joy being shed.

"I'll need to be around more….to help you when the new baby comes."

She could tell he was thinking, and let him have a moment to work out whatever he was going to say next. She watched a light flash in his eyes; an idea...he met her gaze, and he looked positively elated.

"I think it's time Anna."

"Time for what?" She asked, confused.

He grasped both of her hands.

"It's time for us to finally live our dream. To do what we talked about doing so many years ago….on a dark night, alone in the servant's hall." He smiled, and it clicked in her mind.

"Our hotel." She sighed.

"We've saved enough. We can start looking now, and purchase after the summer season. That would give us some time to make it our own before the baby is born, and still be able to settle in, and adjust before the next season begins. We can work together….and have the children with us." He was beaming, and she couldn't help but smile back with fresh tears in her eyes as she remembered the last time he'd said these exact words to her. Only this time these were not just hopeful wishes of an uncertain future. This was their life, and these dreams were well within their reach.

She knew John was right, and she would need him more when the new baby came. God forbid the darkness try to take hold of her again, she wanted him there as much as possible...or at least within reach.

She realized he'd been waiting for her to respond.

"So? What do you say, my darling?"

She tried to think of something poetic to say; something that portrayed how deeply she loved him, and loved the idea of living their dreams together with their growing family. However when she opened her mouth all she could say was, "Yes John."

She buried herself in his arms and cried, and as always he understood her perfectly. He knew that these were happy tears, and held her tightly.

They had been through so much the past year….so much since the day they met. At long last every dream they'd ever had, every hope for the future...for a life together, for children, for their hotel...it was all coming true. They'd paid a steep price for their happiness, and braved so many storms together but it had all been worth it.

As the night waned on they shared their ideas, and hopes for what was to come. And when sleep finally beckoned them, their dreams were mirror images of each other. Both rested comfortably in the knowledge that whatever was ahead of them their love would always win.

* * *

**_Well that's it! Awwww…leave me a review, and let me know what you think! Thank you, thank you, thank you! :) xo_**


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